My alleged father wrote this. He's the one I hope to be the most like when I am born. He likes me more than my mother.
-The fetus
When Erin took the second test last Wednesday, it started to sink in a little more. Each day since, things have gotten more and more real. Erin is going to be the mother of children, just like Bobby Ried's mom. And from what she swears, I am going to be a father of children (hopefully just a child). Erin made her initial visit to the doctor yesterday, where professionals confirmed she is indeed knocked up. It was real to me before, but that made it official. Today, somehow, we already received a bill (a big one) from her baby clinic in the mail, which made this pregnancy instantly tangible. One can only hope the doctors and nurses at this clinic will be as expedient as the folks in Accounts Receivable. I have to think if they knew our history and how small an issue we call a doctor over, the baby clinic would consider turning us down. I will pay the bill, but that will just make me feel entitled to get Erin to call or visit them over every minor issue.
Everything already seems different and I feel surprisingly ready to become the guy I have spent the last couple years making fun of. I have watched a number of guys disappear into the world of parenthood. Parents are truly different species from non-parents. If nothing else, all of the motivators that drive their decisions are completely different, so much so that I often can't even figure out how to communicate with them. They are rarely funny, seldom available, and don't even think I'm funny anymore, which seems impossible. They say things like "that's terrible" and "oh my god" in response to the same jokes they used to love. While I don't plan on being that guy, I also don't plan on doing anything other than what seems right. I'll be as lame as necessary, but only if I feel it's right. I'm not looking to make parenting decisions based on what other people do. In other words, I don't want act like a parent based on what I have seen other parents do. That goes especially for the parents I saw at the mall yesterday. They were terrible parents and their children were terrible too.
For now, Erin and I are trying to focus on what we can control in the present. Erin has really been a champion of baby product research. Perhaps more than her first child, Erin is excited about her first glider rocker, crib, car seat, stroller, bottle, and whatever a moby wrap is. We have even already gone to Babies R Us, an evil evil place if you ask me. It did, however, help me realize where my focus should be. While Erin is taking vitamins and eating or whatever, I obviously need to be saving money. In a matter of minutes, Erin said "we are getting one of these" in reference to several thousand dollars worth of particle board and plastic.
Thus, my first question to the dads I know has been "How much do kids cost?". All answers have started with a laugh, quickly followed by the words "a lot". In fact, I don't think we can afford it. In our current state, if nothing else, money or lack thereof will certainly play a role in our decisions, which is exactly what I would like to avoid if at all possible. We have decided to sell our house and try to put ourselves in a situation where we can live on one income. I don't want to be that stereotypical set of parents that is stretched thin ALL the time. I heard somebody call those people "SITCOM"s the other day, which stands for Single Income Two Children Oppressive Mortgage. I think that's avoidable, but we are going to have to make some serious changes. I'm going to have to re-acquire an appreciation for Bud Light, Branson vacations, boxed lunches, and a number of other things I planned on being "past". I don't think I am so naieve to think that money won't ever be an object. But, I just hope that we can live as much within or below our means as possible.
I don't think our motivation is so much to have enough money for diapers and funny halloween costumes. It just seems like stress from money issues is the hardest thing to deal with for most people, myself included. If we can rid ourselves of luxuries for now and eliminate that stress, then it will be well worth it. We want to make sure decisions regarding our kids are only in consideration of what is best for the kid, and money is no more an object than it has to be. What I'm getting at is that I hope Erin can stay at home as long as she feels like that is what is best. Surely that is a good place to start.
My only hope is that we do everything as well as we can, and that that is good enough. I have never been as nervous about anything as I am about screwing all of this up. That probably sounds dramatic. But I truly know nothing about parenting and right now, it feels like I know little about even being a grown up. I have just a few months to go from being a guy not responsible enough to put up his own laundry to being completely responsible for a new person.
I have a lot of thoughts and questions that I hope I will have the guts and energy to write about. I don't necessarily expect anyone to care, per say. I just want to attempt to express my thoughts and maybe process some things with the help of others that I might not do as well if I just kept it all to myself. Also, I'm easily embarrassed and tend to re-read things like this and immediately delete it. That's a result of inherited shyness and if I expect my child to get over that, I need to as well.
