Big Heads Unite

The fetus world rejoiced this week as our fellow big head took the American Idol competition. They actually say the Arch-“see”-u-leta kid looks like a fetus, but wouldn’t that be a really ugly fetus? Yes. And why are his lips always so wet? I bet he makes sucking noises all the time to get the saliva to stay in his mouth and it gets on his friends nerves... maybe even worse than his dad’s hat. I heard he still breast feeds. The bad thing is that he will probably be on the Disney Channel forever, including all of my childhood years.

I haven’t seen much of my father lately and that’s been nice. Mom said his trip to Dallas was something called a “Babymoon”, but he disagreed. I don’t know what the hell that’s supposed to mean anyway. Does he think his life is going to be so bad when I’m around that he needs to do all the fun stuff he can before I get here? I think that is what he thinks and it hurts my feelings. I just grew feelings a couple weeks ago and he already hurt them. What a jerk. See if I don’t decide to play 6 sports and participate in 14 extracarriculars in grade school just so you have to drive me from one to the next all day, every day. Your fancy beers will sit there all by themselves while I am learning gymnastics from a gay man in tights, dad.

I’ve been checking out some daycares lately, since my parents don’t care about me enough to stay home and raise me. I knew they were expensive, but wow… $900 a month??? Dad said I will have to pay him back when I’m old enough to work…. So I’ve got 5 years to get ready for that. Don’t know who buys sweat, but dad says there is a shop for that and that they would hire me.

Other news, Mother Erin and dad ordered a chair for me to rock in. It’s a glider rocker, with a glider ottoman. Dad has to put it together though, so I don’t see the gliding feature working the way it’s supposed to. This is the first large purchase they made for me, out of way more than they realize. I am totally fabulous and intend to have all that is fabulous…. Just kidding. I hate people that say things like that.

I had a Unibrous Maudite beer tonight to calm my nerves, which grew in awhile back and continue to stress me out. Don’t tell Mother Erin though… she’s a total hag when it comes to things like drinking while incubating. She won’t even let me have a cup of coffee, let alone a vodka tonic.

Ok, it’s bed time. I’m going to go listen to The Ting Tings album and read ‘What to Expect When You’re Expecting To Hate Your Mom”

I think I might be a boy. Since my last doctor’s appointment, I have grown just about everything. I shit you not, I used to have just stumps for arms, and now, 1 month later, I have 10 toes, 2 feet, 2 knees, a butt, arms, elbows, hands with at least 10 fingers, and I think there’s a good chance an 11^th is coming in. And get this, my fingers bend in three different places now. For the ultrasound today, I really showed how it all works…. Curled my toes, made fists with my fingers, kicked my feet, bent my knees, rolled over, and even grabbed my umbilical cord… that’s right, I can grab stuff already. I’m hella cute. I am minus 27.5 weeks old and I can grab stuff. I am a fetus prodigy, if you will, and I look like a full grown baby already. The doctor today said, “Everything doesn’t look normal, it actually looks cuter than normal”. She was picturing me naked…. with an ultrasound machine.

BTW, if being a female means being like shallow, fake, out of money, crooked career politician Hillary Clinton and being male means I get to be like the honest, genuine, easy to relate to, inspirational, solid-on-issues-that-matter-to-me-most, people uniting Barack Obama, then I definitely want to be a male. If that’s not what it means, then I really don’t care what I am.

Just missed the tornadoes tonight. I had to sit in the small interior bathroom for awhile as the storm passed over. Dad was ticked because he wants to make an insurance claim and get a new roof.

Doesn’t seem like anybody wants to buy my parent’s house. 10+ families have come and looked at it and all thought they were too cool for this house. But, they were wrong. Jerks.

I think I have a fetus-crush on Lorena Ochoa. Something about the way she hits her short irons that really gets me kicking. Not a big fan of Paula Creamer though, she kind of has a double chin and I think she thinks she’s hot and this fetus thinks that’s annoying.

I’m going to go pour myself a tall glass of amniotic fluid and roll around the uterus for awhile.

See you later.