It’s been over a month since I’ve updated and I don’t have an excuse. I just don’t have much to write about. Things are really busy at my dad’s work and my mom complains about me and blames me for her discomfort and moodiness all day long. My dad says being a fetus is a lot like being a husband.
In case you hadn’t heard, I’m about 2 pounds now, which is about 1 pound, or 100%, more than I weighed the last time I wrote in my fetus blog. Dad says I’m gaining pounds faster than the girls at his high school reunion. He skipped the reunion, but the pictures are on the internet, and I’m offended. But, all my weight is in my head. It got even bigger when Mother Erin’s co-workers threw me a shower and bought me more stuff than you would believe.
I have run out of room to roam in this womb. I am practically smothered all the time. When I move, it’s a major ordeal. I have to push everything around and it almost always leads to people poking me and my dad coming over and yelling “HI THERON” in this retarded voice. I kinda like it though. It’s a nice break from the normal ass chewings my mom gives me just for stretching my legs out. I guess she likes me, but my newness seems to be wearing off and that’s kind of sad. Oh well.
I was watching the Olympic opening ceremonies tonight and it got me thinking about how much I wish I wasn’t white. All the white people countries had the most boring clothes, were the least excited, and were just generally boring. That is, except for the Italians and Germans. They all seemed a little drunk. I can’t wait to be born so I can start drinking right away. The frustrating thing about the Olympics is that they only usually show the boring sports on TV. They will show a 15k boring ass run that takes forever instead of showing ping pong, javelin throw, pole vault, fencing, karate, badminton (probably the most fun sport to watch), or wrestling. No, instead of showing anything exciting, they will put the road walk on prime time, which is probably the gayest of all sports. If you haven’t seen the road walk event, it is just as bad as it sounds. It is worse than those little china girls they dressed up in white cowboy boots and baseball hats to cheer on the Olympians. I recognized a number of those girls from the internet, if you know what I mean.
Watch this:
Cool Road Walk Example
To answer your question, no this is not a clip from the Special Olympics. It’s from the not so special Olympics, and I could win it. Bear in mind that golf, cricket, and other less absurd competitions are not in the Olympics, but walking like an old lady at the gym will get you a free trip to China.
Bob Costas and Matt Lauer, by the way, decided to forego Olympic discussions during the Opening Ceremonies to instead educate the world on all things politically controversial. In an effort to ruin the overwhelmingly peaceful and unifying parts of the Olympics, they described every negative political event and conflict of every country as their Olympians entered the stadium. They even went silent on the countries that they were hoping to get booed, like France and Iran, just so everybody could hear. Nobody booed. I’m torn because I’m sure they brought a lot of awareness, but that’s the kind of awareness that causes knee jerk judgment to so many places that don’t deserve it and have complex issues and traditions that are not addressed. I thought it to be uncouth and disrespectful, to the extent that it overshadowed the educational value completely. But, what do I know? I can’t even breathe or road walk or eat.
I gotta go. If my dad’s work slows down, and if something in this straight jacket of a womb inspires me, I’ll be back soon. I got a lot coming up though. We move to a new house in two weeks. We are renting a Uhaul tomorrow to deliver all the furniture that won’t fit in the new house, which is not much larger than Erin’s uterus. Plus, I have about 5-6 pounds to pack on in short order.
Bye.
