Suddenly I crave red meat, things crafted from leather and filled with air that I can throw, metal (whatever metal is), guitar riffs, power tools, large televisions, chicks, and violence.... I don't know what's happening to me, but I seem to have no control over it. I'm totally raging and all I can do about it is kick the holy hell out of Mother Erin's guts.
I think I want to be like Mike Rowe, the guy that hosts Dirty Jobs and narrates The Deadliest Catch and does all the Ford commercials. He plays the best "dude" on tv, if you ask me.

Not to switch the subject, but I went to the doctor today and they found out I am a boy. I am so GD sick of being called "it" that I'm just glad to have my sex identified, I didn't really care what it was. Mother Erin wanted me to be a girl and said "you're always letting me down fetus". That's why I love my father exclusively now. No just kidding, she didn't say that. All the sudden, just because she knows I'm a boy and not a hermaphrodite or alien, it hit her that I am really a baby, a human one. So what do I get? Baby talk, all day. Mother E's baby voice is worse than her Tim voice, which sounds like a 9 year old boy impersonating Santa Claus. I know Tim's voice, and it's way manlier and cooler than that.

God this is stressing me out. I have so much crap to do before I get out of here. I have to find a name for myself. I have to pick colors. I have to communicate clearly to everyone that baby shirts with cute little sayings on them are just not my style. If you are thinking about buying me something, make sure you wouldn't find an adult version of it in a truck stop. Don't get me wrong though, I want and appreciate free stuff. Lots of it. Buy away, but here is my style guide, Mother Erin and Tim:


1. No shirts with dumb sayings, unless they are very witty and sarcastic, like this one. Don't be afraid to go out on a limb:

2. No camouflage. No exceptions. None. No variations, no RealTree, no other colors of camouflage. I just don't do camouflage. I have my reasons


3. I'm not gay (probably), don't make me look like I am. It's 100% okay if I am, but gay guys don't mind looking straight, so play it safe and keep the bow ties and infant sweater vests on the rack.


4. If it costs a lot, I'll look stupid for wearing it. A $50 baby shirt is wrong and I don't want any part of that. Buying Ralph Lauren baby stuff is statistically proven to increase my odds of being an asshole. Please don't turn me into an asshole.



5. It needs to be comfortable and sensible. I am not your dress up doll. I will wear a baby tuxedo for your amusement, Tim, but only once or twice. The rest of the time, I would prefer to be stylishly comfortable. There is a difference between gross comfortable and stylishly comfortable, so be cautious. I don't mean Triple XL t-shirt on a fat lady at Wal-Mart comfortable, I'm just saying you should use common sense, Erin.

I'll have more guidelines and examples of those who violate them later.

I gotta get out of here. I'm gonna go pump some iron and stare at my muscles in the mirror.

Fetuses For Obama

I know what you are thinking... you wish you knew where to go to hear a little more about the presidential race. Me too. There's plenty of born people going on and on about this subject, but there's only one opinionated, well informed, UNBORN blogger who believes in change as well.

This fetus believes in real change. I don't know if I'm a boy or girl, and I don't even know what race I am. Mother (whitey) Erin says I will be half Kimbo Slice, dad says he's fine with that. So, maybe I'll be an Oreo. Whatever.

But I know what I believe. I know that Americans continue to ride on a cloud of unfounded arrogance, based on the accomplishments of people who fought for a different freedom and worked in a completely different economy. I am going to be born into a world whose financial system is completely global. Moreover, its communication is global, and thus its culture is affected by that which all other countries do. While fairness, growth, hope, health, hunger and other very basic needs are realized around the world, every other country has the ability via the internet and TV to see Americans bicker and complain about the pettiest of things, like gas prices for our giant cars, minor unemployment issues, and a few tax dollars. They see us choose from our 200 tv channels which we charge to our credit cards, ditch our perfectly good stuff for bigger or smaller better stuff, cram our faces full with as much food as we can, and buy so much that we don't need. Meanwhile, the onlookers work for their next meal and realize that they have accepting pennies to provide us with all our unnecessary crap, and they are starting to realize they don't have to. They are demanding more from us and they're getting it. More advanced nations with greater wealth continue to work and find ways to live wisely within their means, watching us squander away our inherited well-being for the cheapest of thrills. What is worse and more annoying than watching a guy who inherited millions of dollars act like he earned it as he blows it? That is where we are and why I will be born into a completely spoiled place.

What I like about Obama is that he knows all this and he seems interested in changing it. I think he's smart enough to effectively work to show that the U.S. is growing and changing for the better. Electing him would be proof of that. There hasn't been a better time to get Americans to question our indulgence. As people are "squeezed" compared to the usual, and as we see more tv shows about people that really know what hard times are, we can't help but think that something isn't right. I think Obama can inspire people here to understand that we are addicted to superficiality and that we have to change. I may be one wrong fetus, but I think it will take somebody like Obama to divert our thoughts from the rampant capitalism that has driven us to having all the stuff we possibly can and inspire us to seek something larger and more meaningful. More than a political leader, we need a cultural and social leader. I think he will do fine with policy and everything else political, but I think he will do better with addressing our countries larger, more pressing issues of self-righteousness and entitlement. I can't say that about any other politician.

I hope his influence can start with my parents, whose house has more bedrooms than people and whose garage has a refrigerator just for beer. They talk a lot, but I'm looking for a little more action.

Fetus out.