Suddenly I crave red meat, things crafted from leather and filled with air that I can throw, metal (whatever metal is), guitar riffs, power tools, large televisions, chicks, and violence.... I don't know what's happening to me, but I seem to have no control over it. I'm totally raging and all I can do about it is kick the holy hell out of Mother Erin's guts.
I think I want to be like Mike Rowe, the guy that hosts Dirty Jobs and narrates The Deadliest Catch and does all the Ford commercials. He plays the best "dude" on tv, if you ask me.

Not to switch the subject, but I went to the doctor today and they found out I am a boy. I am so GD sick of being called "it" that I'm just glad to have my sex identified, I didn't really care what it was. Mother Erin wanted me to be a girl and said "you're always letting me down fetus". That's why I love my father exclusively now. No just kidding, she didn't say that. All the sudden, just because she knows I'm a boy and not a hermaphrodite or alien, it hit her that I am really a baby, a human one. So what do I get? Baby talk, all day. Mother E's baby voice is worse than her Tim voice, which sounds like a 9 year old boy impersonating Santa Claus. I know Tim's voice, and it's way manlier and cooler than that.

God this is stressing me out. I have so much crap to do before I get out of here. I have to find a name for myself. I have to pick colors. I have to communicate clearly to everyone that baby shirts with cute little sayings on them are just not my style. If you are thinking about buying me something, make sure you wouldn't find an adult version of it in a truck stop. Don't get me wrong though, I want and appreciate free stuff. Lots of it. Buy away, but here is my style guide, Mother Erin and Tim:


1. No shirts with dumb sayings, unless they are very witty and sarcastic, like this one. Don't be afraid to go out on a limb:

2. No camouflage. No exceptions. None. No variations, no RealTree, no other colors of camouflage. I just don't do camouflage. I have my reasons


3. I'm not gay (probably), don't make me look like I am. It's 100% okay if I am, but gay guys don't mind looking straight, so play it safe and keep the bow ties and infant sweater vests on the rack.


4. If it costs a lot, I'll look stupid for wearing it. A $50 baby shirt is wrong and I don't want any part of that. Buying Ralph Lauren baby stuff is statistically proven to increase my odds of being an asshole. Please don't turn me into an asshole.



5. It needs to be comfortable and sensible. I am not your dress up doll. I will wear a baby tuxedo for your amusement, Tim, but only once or twice. The rest of the time, I would prefer to be stylishly comfortable. There is a difference between gross comfortable and stylishly comfortable, so be cautious. I don't mean Triple XL t-shirt on a fat lady at Wal-Mart comfortable, I'm just saying you should use common sense, Erin.

I'll have more guidelines and examples of those who violate them later.

I gotta get out of here. I'm gonna go pump some iron and stare at my muscles in the mirror.